A Dummies Guide to Running for President

Qualifications:

There aren’t a lot of qualifications to becoming President of the United States. It’s not like you are applying for something like CEO of Apple or Amazon. You have to make sure you are at least 35 years old and a natural born United States citizen. You must also have lived in America for 14 years to run for President.

Do not rely on your birth certificate as proof of citizenship. Government documents can be forged. Interview your parents regarding your birthplace and birthdate. Ask lots of questions. For example, if both your parents are Asian and you are Caucasian, it should raise some suspicion. It’s highly recommended that a polygraph test be employed to confirm they’re telling the truth.

Your #1 Priority:

There is a misconception that you need years of public service and a clearly defined policy platform to be a serious presidential candidate. Nonsense!

Neither will help you become the next president. Your years of service and policy positions will be used against you by your opponents and could potentially confuse voters.

So, what should you concentrate on? Your look.

You want to be the best-looking and tallest candidate in the field. There’s nothing like flashing a great smile or the ability to tower over you opponents to impress voters.

You’ll need a couple of nice suits and tie (red or blue) for your more important conventions and meetings. Then, when you’re meeting with regular folk, you’ll need to a pair of beige khakis and a long-sleeved, white, button-down shirt. You can keep the cuff links in your drawer; you’ll be rolling your sleeves up anyway.

Getting back to the smile. Your smile is so important. It needs to convey confidence, compassion and vitality all at the same time. If your teeth aren’t perfect (most people’s teeth aren’t) then make an appointment with a cosmetic dentist to discuss whitening and/or capping.

Finally, you need to work on your body language. Whether you believe what you’re saying or not, you need to deliver it in a convincing way. You don’t want your body undermining what’s coming out of your mouth.

You can try a few things to practice. Stand in front of your spouse and tell her that you have been having an affair (whether it’s true or not). You should be smiling and relaxed even though your spouse is hysterical and throwing things. If you can pull it off, you’re ready to deal with hostile reporters and hecklers and to debate your opponents.

Money:

You are going to need lots and lots of money. How much? Somewhere between $1 to $3 billion.

Don’t get excited. Even if you were a billionaire, you would be a fool to spend your own money. There are so many people out there more than willing to give you their hard-earned bucks to help you become president. You’re probably wondering why people would open their wallets up for you.

That’s because you’re going to make all kinds of promises. When pharmaceutical companies send their lobbyists to ask you to oppose lower drug prices, you’re going to say sure. You’ll see that the following week, there’s going to be a cheque in the mail. The oil companies are going to try to convince you that global warming is a hoax. You’re going to respond with “what’s global warming?” Before you know it, you’re campaign war chest is going to be bursting.