My Quarantine Diary


Quarantine Day #1:  I was told that as a high risk person, I would have to remain in quarantine until the end of the pandemic. I head to the supermarket to buy several months of toilet paper and other essential goods. I buy a two-year supply of m&m’s to be sure I don’t run out.

Quarantine Day #2:  Ran out of m&m’s.

Quarantine Day #3:  I’m thinking maybe it’s time I took a shower.

Quarantine Day #6: Just completed non-stop, binge-watching all 62 episodes of Breaking Bad. Still thinking about taking a shower.

Quarantine Day #8: Held an impromptu lecture in the kitchen on how to properly make popcorn. Half way through, the cat walked out on me.

Quarantine Day #9: Ordered a pizza for dinner. Put the pizza in the oven to kill any potential viruses. About an hour later my smoke detectors began chirping. I peeked into my oven and found a smoldering fire. Maybe I should have taken the pizza out of the box.

Quarantine Day #10: Tried to make my own m&m’s using chocolate, eggs shells and water paints. They were better than I expected.

Quarantine Day #11: Got confused between a carafe of water and vodka. Think I’m going to try that again. Organized the tins and bottles in the pantry in order of size and colour. Began writing a COVID-19 manifesto.

Quarantine Day #14: Skyped with family members who insisted that they drop by to see how I was doing. Something about not looking well. I didn’t fall for their tricks. They just want to infect me with the virus and take over my mind. Checked to make sure the doors are adequately reinforced.

Quarantine Day #18: Someone rang my doorbell this morning. I ran down into the basement to hide. The doorbell continued to ring for about five minutes before it stopped. Two hours after the ringing stopped I went upstairs and opened my front door. There were two weeks of groceries and mail at the door. I brought everything into the garage and sanitized it all.

Quarantine Day #19: My manifesto is now 106 pages. I had to spray paint all the mirrors i the house because they can potentially become portals that virus carriers can use to get at me.

Quarantine Day #20: Out of vodka. Or is it water? I’m not sure. 😦

Quarantine Day #22: Noticed my toilet paper inventory is off. Counted it over at least ten times. Suspect someone has broken in and stolen a large number of rolls. Nailed shut all windows and barricaded the doors. That should resolve the issue. Still haven’t gotten around to that shower.

Quarantine Day #29: Do you have any idea how many grains of rice are in a two pound bag? 59,561 grains. I counted four times to make sure.

Quarantine Day #41: Manifesto is now 308 pages. It now includes my theory how the virus crossed over from dolphins to human at MarineLand.

Quarantine Day #44: I noticed a draft coming down from the fireplace. Realizing the virus could float down into my home through the chimney, I bricked up my fireplace.

Quarantine Day #47: The power went out in the house today. Found my cellphone to call the power company. Discovered 9 messages from the utility indicating my account was past due.

Quarantine Day #51: I spent the entire day staring at a blank TV screen repeating the dialogue from Home Alone over and over again.

Quarantine Day #59: I did some number crunching and my toilet paper supply may be depleted before I’m out of here. I’ve rationed myself to 1.5 sheets a day. I was going to take a shower today but don’t seem to be able to find any soap.

Quarantine Day #73: I noticed my cellphone buzzing. I picked it up to examine it. Could this possibly leak viruses? Then I noticed a text message “Quarantine over!” I crawled to the front door and pried it open. I had to shade my eyes with my hands because of the bright light. People passing by gave me odd looks. I stepped back into the house and shut the door.

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