Not everyone follows me on Twitter which is cool. But those who aren’t on Twitter are missing out on some of my finer comedy moments So, today I’m posting the best of my Twitter account.
You can’t ask Canadians, “a penny for your thoughts.” We got rid of the penny in 2012. It’s going to cost you a nickel.
I told my wife “you’re not the boss of me” and she laughed for the longest time.
I’ve concluded that there are just two types of people in this world. I suggest you avoid both.
The internet is amazing. First Google allows people to fully understand complex subjects without having to go to university. Then Twitter allows them to explain it to you in only 280 characters.
Being married means someone will ask you what do you want for dinner for the rest of your life.
We move the clocks forward tonight which means that for the next 6 months the clock in my car is correct.
Wife: Why are we stopping at a gas station?
Me: I said I would take you out someplace expensive. Now let’s go inside and get something to eat.
1990: The internet will put all of human knowledge at our fingertips, ushering in a new age of enlightenment.
Today: People think the Earth is flat, there’s a 5G chip in Covid vaccines, Prince Phillip is a vampire.
My wife has informed me that I can no longer answer my phone with “what the fuck do you want?”
When I was a kid, we didn’t have tablets on road trips. We would punch each other in the backseat each for amusement.
Wife: You’re such a procrastinator!
Me: Why are you yelling at me? I didn’t do anything.
I entered my symptoms into WebMD and it said I was just sober.
Canadian porn is removing two out of four layers of clothing and asking for a hug because you’re cold now.
This woman asked me if I wanted to be her daddy. I said sure then made her clean up her room.
Me: Excuse me, where are the bathrooms?
Salesperson: Our bathrooms are only available to our customers.
Me: Fine. How much is your cheapest Jacuzzi?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. That’s great. So how do I keep everyone else away?
I went for a walk and after 20 minutes my Fitbit asked if I had found my car keys yet.