This past week I posted on Twitter a request for people to provide me with random advice for a lark. I was shocked by the response. I was a little overwhelmed when over 5,000 people left comments – from tongue in cheek advice to serious ones and everything in between. I decided to post some of the highlights on my blog so here they are.
There was some driving and parking advice…
Forget about wearing clean underwear in case you’re in an accident. If you’re in an accident, your underwear won’t be clean.
Always prepare your exit when parking by backing into a space so you can drive straight out when you leave.
Instead of driving around the parking lot trying to find the closest space, park on the outer part of the lot. You will save time, annoyance and get a little more exercise. Also, if you park where no one else is parking you will get fewer door dinks.
If someone parks at the far end of an empty parking lot, please don’t park beside them.
Don’t try to park as close to the store as you can. Park near the Cart Return station. It will save you time.
If you are low on gas on your way home, don’t tell yourself that you will just get it on the way to work the next day. You will regret that decision.
Cemeteries are filled with people who had the right-of-way.
Always check to make sure there’s toilet paper before you sit down.
Advice for drug users…
Don’t keep smoking port when you’re already stoned. You can’t get any higher, and you just use up your stash.
Sativa for the daytime, Indica at night!
For some reason there was a lot of bathroom advice…
Jiggle the handle after you flush.
No matter how pretty the soap smells, never come out of the bathroom smelling your fingers.
Wash your hands before going to the toilet after cutting chilies.
Never change tampons if you’ve been handling jalapeños.
In a public restroom, take the paper towel and tuck it under your arm before washing hands.
I got some travel tips…
When you travel, have a change of underwear, a t-shirt, socks and a spare toothbrush in your carry-on. Especially if you fly United through O’Hare in the winter.
When you beam down to a planet, bring a medical officer and a couple security officers with you. Just in case.
It’s better to be 10 minutes late in this world than 50 years too early in the next.
If you’re driving through the Midwest and stop for lunch in a town with only one cafe, order the roast beef sandwich.
In case you need help dealing with people…
Never take criticism from someone you wouldn’t go to for advice.
Never trust a man who says trust me.
If somebody talks about everybody. They talk about you too.
Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution.
Just because someone wants to have a particular conversation with you does Not mean you are obligated to participate.
Never take an idiot with you. You can always find one when you get there
Avoid stupid people at all costs. They are the most dangerous.
When you’re on the end of unsolicited advice, smile slightly, nod slightly, like you’re taking it all in. Thank the person for the advice, and then go do whatever in the hell you were going to do.
Everyone has advice about raising kids especially people without kids…
Kids need you even more when they’re teenagers.
If you have a baby, don’t tiptoe and whisper while they nap. Carry on as usual. That way they get used to napping through noise.
The importance of knowing why a child is going someplace with a step stool is inversely proportional to the age of the child.
Some help in the kitchen…
Make sure the sink has no spoons in it before you run the tap.
A dropped knife has no handle!
Always keep a jar of clean plastic spoons near your stove. That way you can use one for tasting as you cook and then toss it into the sink.
If someone you know cooks carrots and peas in the same pot don’t eat them, they’ll taste funny
You don’t have to salute your Admiral refrigerator. It turns out it’s just an honorary title.
I didn’t expect advice about flatulence but here you go…
Don’t fart in an Apple store, they don’t have Windows.
Never trust a fart.
When you fart, blame the dog. When the dog farts, blame the wife.
Never fart while bending over to tie your shoes. The pressure build up is likely to blow your eyes out.
Maybe you’re looking for a new credo…
Keep your eye on the donut, and not upon the hole
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
It’s always easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission.
Do what you’re afraid to do. Life can seem downright scary.
Find humour in simple things, even in sad times, something funny is happening.
Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the back, or an idiot from any direction.
Flattery is like perfume. Enjoy the aroma but never swallow it.
Take a nap.
Who won’t need legal advice at some point…
Say nothing. If that doesn’t work, tell the truth. And if the above two fail you, lie…in that order.
Just because you’re ignorant to a law’s existence does not mean you are immune from prosecution for it.
Then there was some weird shit…
Stop picking at it, you’ll make it worse.
Never let your mom comb your hair when she’s mad at your dad.
Never trust a dwarf who says your girlfriend’s hair smells nice.
Don’t play with crocodiles.
Always buy a car the color of duct tape.
Never play cards against a man who share a first name with that of a city.
If you don’t know what the button is for, do not push the button. Do not push the button.
Don’t lick camels not matter how much their hair looks like brown fairy floss you open your door to a flaming paper bag at 10 pm, don’t put it out in your slippers.
Never store superglue next to your eyedrops.
There are only two things that smell of fish. One is fish.
Don’t put toothpaste on your scrotum.
And what about asking for advice on Twitter…
Don’t ask strangers for advice is my advice. Just don’t.