The Best of Twitter (April edition)

Not everyone follows me on Twitter which is cool. But those who aren’t on Twitter are missing out on some of my finer comedy moments So, today I’m posting the best of my Twitter account.

There’s a new internet scam going around that you need to know about. I ordered some jewelry for my wife online but power tools show up instead. This has happened three times this month.

I’ve been accepting cookies for years on my computer and have yet to see even one. I think it’s an online scam.

I had a plumber over today working on a problem. He mentioned his daughter had just gotten into medical school, so I’m guessing this is going to be an expensive job.

My wife discovered a spider in the bathroom but it disappeared before I showed up to execute it. Now I have to put the house up for sale or come up with a dead spider.

Is there anything more disappointing in life than someone saying they are speechless but then they continue to speak?

This morning I thought I had come down with COVID-19. Turns out I had accidentally made decaf coffee.

As an old white guy, I think I speak for all old white guys when I say, we don’t know what the fuck we are talking about most of the time.

My dietician told me that any fluid counts toward the 8 cups of water you are supposed to have each day. So, yesterday I had 6 cups of coffee and 2 glasses of wine.

If a husband says something in a forest and nobody hears, is he still wrong?

Someone needs to come up with an antidote for morning people.

My wife is complaining that most of the chocolate Easter eggs are gone. I blame her for making them so accessible in the back of the hall closet on the top shelf behind the scarves.

When I’m at the grocery store and I’ve forgotten the list, I will pick one dude and follow around the store, picking up whatever he puts in his cart. My wife never can tell.

I woke up at 2:30 am last night with a great story idea. I know I’d forget it by morning so this time I would get up and write it down. This is what I found in the morning:

“Heaven is next to the peanut butter so take your shirts they’re free.”

If you are looking for something to do for the next 6 hours, you could ask my 5 yo grandson about the Avengers.

I remember my math teacher telling us that we aren’t going to always have a calculator with us. That was some prediction.

PSA: Many people don’t know this but on the left side of the steering wheel column in your car is a lever. If you pull the lever up or down, it activates lights that indicate you are turning or changing lanes.

Question on a psychological test: From 1 to 10, how well do you follow instructions?

Me: True

I lost 95 Twitter followers this week and I hope these people continue to make healthy choices for themselves.

I remember my high school English teacher telling me I wasn’t very good at metaphors yet here I am an author with multiple books. So every silver spoon has a cloud around it.

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