My Favourite Tweets in 2022

My wife has agreed to go camping so I’ll be booking a room at the 5-star resort near the camp grounds

I’m so hungry I could eat my mother in law’s cooking.

Have you ever met someone that you instantly knew you would want to spend the rest of your life avoiding?

I’m just becoming accustomed to standing naked in front of a full-length mirror which allows me to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and I feel the mall security staff could be more supportive.

Last night we watched a news program where a woman kills her husband. I noticed my wife was taking notes. Should I be worried?

A moose, a beaver and a loud goose walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. That’s just a typical night in Canada.

Stop being angry at procrastinators. We didn’t do anything.

My Jewish mom: Sigh

Me: What’s wrong mom?

Mom: You look so good in a surgical mask.

Me: So, what’s with the sigh?

Mom: I’m just imagining how much better you would look if you were a doctor wearing the mask.

I was stopped at a red light when this nice lady leaned into my open window to tell me she’ll do anything for $50. So guess who’s getting his deck sanded and stained?

If Putin makes a speech in the forest and there’s no one else there, is he still lying?

You know what? Just fuck it. Fuck everything.

– me as a Life Coach

There are a few people I can think of who should use Gorilla Glue as a lip gloss.

Remember the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out.

My wife hadn’t ordered anything from Amazon in 8 days and they had one of their drivers come to the house to do a wellness check.

To the people who send “get well” messages after I post selfies, that’s just how I always look.

Have you ever noticed that when you tell someone to calm down, it has the opposite effect? So I tell them they’re not showing enough rage.

That knife I carry is not for protection. It’s in case I come across cake.

My wife began talking to a house plant but it died. Now I’m concerned about my well being.

One of the things I’ve learned in life is not to comment on people’s mustaches. The women in particular become hostile.

I entered my symptoms into WebMD and it said I died in the War of 1812.

I don’t quite understand why my wife gave me monogrammed pyjamas with the initials DNR.

I said for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; until death do us part. But I never entioned sharing this pint of ice cream.

I didn’t have a drink for 7 years. 7 whole years! Then my dad gave me a sip of beer on my 8th birthday.

At a restaurant I ordered an impossible burger and it turned out to be possible. Now I’m so confused.

1960: Call me.

1980: Leave me a message.

2000: Just text me. 2020:

Please don’t call or text me.

Yesterday we had no internet, phone and phone service. It wasn’t so bad and I talked to a lovely woman that I noticed in the family room. She seemed nice.

Last month I received a book royalty payment and the bank called to ask me about an unusual transaction.

I’m always mixing metaphors but that’s the way the cookie bounces.

My wife is always wearing my t-shirts and hoodies. I don’t care. But the one time I borrow a dress of hers, we have to have a “serious” talk.

At the Covid test center I was asked if I experienced a sudden loss of taste. I said, I’ve always dressed like this.

The first rule of OCD Club is to make sure all the rules have the same number of words.

Voicemail: You have a dentist appointment tomorrow

Text message: You have a dentist appointment tomorrow

Email: You have a dentist appointment tomorrow

My dead mom during a séance: You have a dentist appointment tomorrow

My wife has informed me that I can no longer answer my phone with “what the fuck do you want?”

1990: The internet will put all of human knowledge at our fingertips, ushering in a new age of enlightenment. Today: People think the Earth is flat, there’s a 5G chip in Covid vaccines, Prince Phillip is a vampire.

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