“I was raised with little direct knowledge of the Holocaust. My parents hid from us the story of their suffering. But, despite this silence, we mourned the death of people whose names I didn’t even know. My parents were emotionally distant.  I grew up with feelings of abandonment, low self-esteem, and lack of basic trust. I was subject to doting, parental worry and extreme concern for my physical well-being. To add to this confusion, I was all too aware of my parents’ triggers and tenuous emotional state, so I limited as much as possible the expression of negative feelings toward my parents. This is the paradox of my childhood. I was cherished and protected but often abandoned.”

I stared at these words on my screen with swollen red eyes. It was early Sunday morning after a night of less than two hours of sleep. The anxiety that engulfed me the previous evening was still holding tight to my mind and refused to let go. I was 70 years old at the time. I was accomplished, well-liked, and determined. But inside I was a shy and lonely eight-year old who just wanted someone to tell me that everything would be alright.

What had triggered this overwhelming response? It’s not what you think. I hadn’t witnessed a horrible event. I wasn’t subject to a verbal or physical attack. I had been walking up Parliament Street in downtown Toronto with my wife Mary Anne and two other couples. We were headed for dinner and had stopped at a red light at Carlton Street. Down the street were beautifully restored brownstone homes including one that had been owned by my former Deputy Minister, Blair Tully. Blair had been someone I had admired and bonded with. He passed away after a long battle with cancer less than 8 years after I had met him. The memory was another reminder of how abandoned I’ve felt throughout my life, and it released a wave of anxiety. But the other people I was with had no inclination of what had occurred. My generation is very good at hiding the trauma we had inherited from our parents. We are the hidden victims. We learned to be more concerned about the feelings of others instead of our own.    

As a follow up to my memoir to be released in late 2024 or early 2025, I am working on a new book, The Hidden Victims, that explores the topic of intergenerational trauma in descendants of Holocaust survivors. Most people are well aware of the trauma inflicted on Holocaust survivors. What is less understood is how much of that trauma has been passed on to their children (G2), grandchildren (G3) and even great grandchildren (G4). I’m interviewing descendants of survivors to hear their stories and bring to light the lasting legacy of the Holocaust.