“Male Support Corp,” said the female voice over the phone. “How can I help you?”

“Umm, well I bought some of your sex pills and they don’t work,” was my reply.

“Was that the Stay Hard pills or the Max Hard pills?”

The Max Hard.”

“Those are our top-selling product. We’ve never had a complaint before.”

“Yes, I know,” I said. “So, I guess I’m your first complaint.”

“So, what was the problem? Did you not get large enough or did you not last long enough?”

“Just that nothing happened.”

“So, you’re saying you stayed the same size?”

“That’s what I’m saying.”

“Our product is very effective, but it can’t compensate for anxiety or other psychological conditions or certain medication that might interfere with Max Hard.”

“That wasn’t the case with me. The pills just don’t work.”

“Sir, if you send me a photo of your nonfunctioning equipment, I can have our product manager take a look. Just take a photo with you phone and I can give you our email address.”

“I’m not going to be sending you a photo.”

“Well how are we going to verify that Max Hard did not work?”

“I’m telling you it didn’t work.”

“Yes, I know, which is why I’m asking for photographic verification. That’s how we process complaints. And as we advertise, you will be eligible for a full refund once we have confirmation.”

“All right. What’s your email address?”

“gina@malesupport.co”

“Okay, I’ve sent you a photo.”

“Just one moment while I open my email.”

“Sure.”

“Sir, that appears to be a photo of an ingrown hair.”

“What? No, no. That’s my thing.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“What do you mean?”

“Our product isn’t going to be able to help that. Did you have an accident at some point?”

“No! I didn’t have an accident. Who’s laughing in the background?”

“Some of the other call center staff are examining your photo. Dana is trying zoom in to get a better look.”

“Wait. No, I don’t want you to share that photo.”

“Are you married, sir?”

“Yes, I am. Why?”

“We are going to refund you your money. And we’re going to send your wife a complimentary box of assorted dildos.”