If you aren’t a Twitter follower, here are some of my more popular tweets.
I’m staring at my pantry which is bursting with boxes of Fruit Loops and Frosted Mini Wheats. Just maybe I directed my early pandemic shopping on the wrong items.
Have you tried quarantine coffee yet? It’s similar to regular coffee. It’s 3 parts tequila and…I think that’s it. Just 3 parts tequila. No coffee necessary.
My Jewish mom: Sigh
Me: What’s wrong mom?
Mom: You look so good in a surgical mask.
Me: So, what’s with the sigh?
Mom: I’m just imagining how much better you would look if you were a doctor wearing the mask.
Wife: I’m worried about you.
Me: Why? *while pouring vodka on my cereal and in my coffee*
I’ve been drinking to much while stuck at home so I decided to cut back. I now have just one glass of whiskey before bed. Last night I went to bed six times.