Twitter Update

If you aren’t a Twitter follower, here are some of my more popular tweets.

I’m staring at my pantry which is bursting with boxes of Fruit Loops and Frosted Mini Wheats. Just maybe I directed my early pandemic shopping on the wrong items.

Have you tried quarantine coffee yet? It’s similar to regular coffee. It’s 3 parts tequila and…I think that’s it. Just 3 parts tequila. No coffee necessary.

I don’t be leave it’s necessary to poof red my tweets.

My Jewish mom: Sigh
Me: What’s wrong mom?
Mom: You look so good in a surgical mask.
Me: So, what’s with the sigh?
Mom: I’m just imagining how much better you would look if you were a doctor wearing the mask.

Wife: I’m worried about you.
Me: Why? *while pouring vodka on my cereal and in my coffee*

I’ve been drinking to much while stuck at home so I decided to cut back. I now have just one glass of whiskey before bed. Last night I went to bed six times.

This morning I thought I had come down with COVID-19. Turns out I had accidentally made decaf coffee.

Last night we watched a news program where a woman kills her husband. I noticed my wife was taking notes. Should I be worried?

I’ve recently started virtual yoga classes through my gym. Right now my favourite position is holding a bag of potato chips while sitting cross-legged in the floor.

Want to know what living dangerously is all about? I just spread some cream cheese on a bagel with a best before date of March 26, 2020.

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