The 2020 pandemic has changed the way we live and work. It has also introduced new terminology. To help you navigate through the pandemic vocabulary, I’ve come up with a glossary of terms.

Pandemic

1. A rapid transmission of a disease that has spread across several countries and continents and affects a large proportion of the global population.
2. A cover for a plan to implant trackable microchips and that the Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates is behind it.
3. An event that allows introverts to never leave their homes or see anyone.

Shelter in place

A mandate by government authorities to remain at home except for essential business, such as buying groceries or seeking medical care and the significant contributor to divorce and the 2021 baby boom.

Quarantine

14 days during which you don’t have to deal with your spouse or children.

Social distancing

It is the limit that people will tolerate you approaching them when you haven’t showered in six weeks.

Herd immunity

When enough people ignore medical experts and scientists so that there are no dumb people left in a region to pass the virus on to.

Drive-by

2020 popularized a long-time tradition on how one eliminates rivals and snitches. In the past you would slowly drive past your target with a couple of buddies and blow them away with and AP pistol or similar weapon. Today a drive-by is usually referring to a birthday party or anniversary. Cars will slowly drive past the person(s) celebrating and toss gifts out an open window.

Home schooling

The biggest contributor to alcoholism in 2020 has been home schooling. It’s a known fact that the most popular school supplies are boxes of colored pencils and boxes of wine. Unlike the pencils, the wine only comes in red, white and pink.

Online learning

Your cover for playing video games all day online.

Zoom

Zoom is a cloud-based video conferencing service that is used by introverts to fool others into thinking they are being social. You can easily identify them because either their camera isn’t working or they are using a background instead of video image of themselves.

Day drinking

The ideal solution to long days of home schooling and three-hour work Zoom meetings. It’s not like you’re going to be getting behind the wheel.

Curbside service

Prior to 2020, curbside service was how one purchased sex and drugs. Buyers cruised streets looking for people with goods and services to sell. In 2020, everyone is providing curbside service. I’ve bought everything from tequila to tomatoes (and umm, sex and drugs) without leaving my car.

Pandemic haircut

This has become the largest cause of marital break ups in 2020. They are can easily be identified because they will refuse to remove their hat even when indoors.

Flatten the curve

It’s a pretty rare occurrence, which is fortunate because it can lead to social rejection. It refers to someone who lost weight during the pandemic quarantine.

Essential worker

Amazon drivers, liquor store workers drug dealers and sex workers.

Social bubble

Any group of people that can stand spending time together for the entire 2020.

Karen

A woman (or man on occasion) who screams about freedom and oxygen levels, thinks the Earth is flat, and has a trailer full of toilet paper.

Tested negative

The results of POTUS’ most recent cognitive test.

Florida sunshine

The bright lights in a Miami hospital ICU.