The Best of Twitter (May edition)

You know what? Just fuck it. Fuck everything.

– me as a Life Coach

I was stopped at a red light when this nice lady leaned into an open window to tell me she’ll do anything for $50. So guess who’s getting his deck sanded and stained?

Someone answered the phone when I called instead of going to voicemail. I panicked and hung up. I wasn’t ready to deal with a live person.

My Jewish mom: Sigh

Me: What’s wrong mom?

Mom: You look so good in a surgical mask.

Me: So, what’s with the sigh?

Mom: I’m just imagining how much better you would look if you were a doctor wearing the mask.

My wife just tossed out bubble wrap without popping it and I’ve never been this disappointed with her.

Stop being angry at procrastinators. We didn’t do anything.

Last night we watched a news program where a woman kills her husband. I noticed my wife was taking notes. Should I be worried?

Blocking anyone who is funnier than me because my ego is that fragile.

I’m just becoming accustomed to standing naked in front of a full-length mirror which allows me to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and I feel the mall security staff could be more supportive.

Have you ever met someone that you instantly knew you would want to spend the rest of your life avoiding?

Autocorrect changed “congenial way” to “genital warts” and now my wife isn’t speaking to me.

The 3 yo invited me to dine in his restaurant. While he dined on cookies and gummy bears, I was served Lego pieces. When we finished I was handed a bill for a million dollars. Needless to say I didn’t leave a tip.

Cashier: That will be $44.56. How will you be paying?

Me: I’m using my 450,000 rewards points.

Cashier *swipes card*: Your balance is now $40.06. How will you be paying?


The AI features in my new car are remarkable. The car has learned when to honk the horn and yell asshole.

I put a bumper sticker on my car that said “Honk If You Like Me” and then I parked my car in a busy intersection. Guess what? The other drivers LOVED ME!

Last week she complained that I haven’t sacrificed enough for her. This week she complained about the dead goat.

Spoke to my doctor about my weight gain and she has narrowed it down to food.

I lost my wife yesterday. One minute she was right beside me and the next, she was gone. Then I turned around and there she was. Trying on bracelets in a jewelry store.

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